you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
