WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
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Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
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Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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