I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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