Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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