three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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