Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
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I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
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Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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