He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
