$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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