she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
