Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
