is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
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And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
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Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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