Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
