I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
