I hate your face
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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