Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
