WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
