This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Success! We fucked roommates!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
