The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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