I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
