I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Shame - the story of my life.
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