I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
