Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
