I can text with my tongue
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
