Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
