sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
