My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
