mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
