When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
