I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
