Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
it glows. i had to have it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
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