I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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