My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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