She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
