the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
