the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
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Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
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Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.