A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i think i have two assholes
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
