dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
