so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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