Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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