I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
