Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
