Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
