Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The air was thick with penises
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
