This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
