Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
