dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
