just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I need to stop coming to work sober
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
