He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
