I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
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you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
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No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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