i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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