im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
