all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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