careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
