I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
