I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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