Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
