I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
