I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you had me at cake vodka
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
