I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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