dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
