remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
